I know what you are thinking. Is this chick for real?! Is she really saying suicide might be fake? Take a minute and hear me out. Things have been rough and it comes with a valid explanation. I promise.
Real or Fake?
When I talk about is suicide real or fake, I am not talking about it in the sense that it is something someone is able to fake. I am talking about the fact that there can be other things that play into it, such as a vivid dream.
Do we listen to all dreams? Do we believe everything in them? What if I was to tell you, I committed suicide and lived to tell about it? Would you believe me? Yeah, didn’t think so. Keep reading, you might change your mind by the end.
When it’s the Real Thing
When someone has attempted or god forbid managed to commit suicide, it is real. That person has felt the pain. That person has felt the release once the attempt has taken place. Or in that very bad worst case, they have escaped reality in its entirety. Normally leaving behind a ton of wreckage.
That wreckage can take weeks, months, and even sometimes years to heal from. But the scar is always there. May it be the scar for those left behind, or the scar serving as a lifetime reminder of things gone wrong. But the fact of the matter is, there is a scar of some sort.
But what if the only thing left was just a fading memory? Then what? Is that a fake suicide attempt? Or is that one of truth and reality in the subconscious?
Never Again, You Hope
For me, that was reality. I had been under a ton of stress and had not realized that I really was not okay, by any means. I thought things had been going better. Bills were being taken care of, the job was going well, and the family was doing well.
But I was more than wrong on the whole thing. It turns out that I may have unknowingly been bottling everything up and little did I know, it was all about to explode.
I have been through a lot in the last few years and thought I had been handling it better than in the past. The loss of my father in 2020, the loss of my mother-in-law just two days before my birthday in 2021, and to end the year, losing my pug to an attack by two of my other little dogs when she was just five months old.
Mind you, that is just the tip of it all. There were smaller things in the mix of those two years, such as three surgeries. So it would be safe and easy to say my life had been turned upside down.
Dreams So Real
All of this led to me having a hard time sleeping, and really just functioning. So just a few short days prior to writing this article, I had one of the most terrifying dreams of my life. So terrifying, it felt as if it was real.
**FULL DISCLOSURE–STOP READING IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED**
This dream started like most, me simply going about my day, nothing out of the norm. The next thing I know, I am alone, in a dark room, only being able to feel around for things. I closed my eyes and started patting the items in front of me.
I located what felt to be a sharp edge and immediately grabbed it. Once it was in my hand, I blinked and that was the end of it. I felt the edge press into my flesh and the blood drip down my arm.
Was this real? Was it a dream? For me, I still can not tell. I have no marks or evidence of a suicide attempt, but all of the feelings are there. The feeling of relief, the feeling of the end being right in front of me. The feeling of being free of the pain.
But I am not. I am still here, still dealing with the hand life has dealt me. I am stronger with the knowledge I have, but still fragile all the same.
I am using this as a sign that I need to get deeper help than just going to the surface issues.
I don’t want to beg you to get help if you feel anything like I do, but I do want you to know:
You have support, you are loved, you can get help!
Please just reach out. You are not alone!